Are You Ready for Break Up? Ask Yourself These 6 Questions Before Breaking Up

What do you need to think about before calling it quits? The experts weigh in

If you've got what marital therapists sometimes call a "hard" problem, for instance, your spouse is actually abusing you or has untreated addictions, says William Doherty, PhD, lead investigator
on the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project at the University of Minnesota in the United State, then you really need to get out of the situation straight away. 

But let's assume you are like most of the people in a tough relationship, and, on considering ending things find yourself saying things like, "We've grown apart," or "We're just not in love any longer." that is code , says Doherty, for an additional, unrecognized problem. 

1. Are you lonely or feeling isolated? 

Do you feel hated, criticized or ignored? If you do not understand the specifics of what is making you sad, it's pretty hard to figure out the specifics of what's going to make you happy—whether these issues ought to do with your current partner or anybody else.

2. Am I already divorced?

Maybe you are living this scenario: You stay late at your workplace (the real office, with desks not beds), then meet with friends for a book club or different play downtown. Meanwhile, he often goes to the gym center after work; then, he watches movies and goes to bed long before you get home. 

This goes on for a couple of years—or ten or fifteen. At that point in time, a divorce looks like just a formality, says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., author of makeup, do not break up the relationship. The natural assumption is: well, if we're already broken up emotionally, why not simply take the plunge and do it legally? but Eaker Weil believes that is the time to pause and ask yourself, "What's the rush now?" 

An official call for a breakup, she feels, is truly a decision to mend the marriage, as a result of a divorced relationship (read: a distant relationship) has become your norm and nobody comes into a counselling session wanting to do more of what they are already doing. It's crucial—and usually illuminating—to investigate why the 2 of you haven't already over your relationship. 

Yes, there may have been obligations, like the children or financial security, BUT was there something else, also? And is it still there?

3. Who's really changing the snow tires?

If you are in a troubled, miserable marriage, you're often focused on the miserable part. After yet another long, ugly fight, a future outside that grief seems pretty appealing.

But Doherty said that most couples make mistakes when they focus on this post-marital-problems snow globe of bliss."The man or the  wife cannot imagine everything that's going to occur: breaking up the household; moving or dating." Most couples with children conveniently don't remember their fellow parent is going to be at the soccer game.

He also suggested that couples should write down who will be in charge of activities in each specific day and occasion exactly one year after the marriage is over.

These hard realities in marriage—which must include the even harder reality that almost 60% of all second marriages also fail—is a litmus test. If upon critical consideration, the upheaval still seems, you might want to get out. If it doesn't, it's time to stay back and rethink.

4. How often do I use the verb deserve?

By the time couples point out the d-word, most are pretty convinced they've done everything within their power to save their relationship. that is often not true, says Doherty. 

For example, try asking yourself how often you tell yourself, "I deserve to have a partner who earns about 50% % of the household finances," or, "I should have a partner who thinks of me when he goes grocery for shopping," or "I need to have a partner who shows up on time," or "I deserve" just anything else on that long list of characteristics and behaviors you long for in your partner. 

You are worthy of somebody who does most of those things. however, no one gets a partner who will have all these things. The more often you tell yourself what you merit, the more you produce a kind of dream spouse that overshadows the important one—the one you wish to really value. 

Could you discover a way to live with most of his most challenging qualities without, as Doherty says "damaging your human dignity?" 

Let's assume he's a good person overall who does some things that really make you happy—and he's not a big mean jerk, simply because big mean jerks do exist—finding a way to adapt with those very un-dreamy problems is really what's involved in doing everything that can save the marriage.

5. How afraid am I of not knowing?

It is said that one of most bad aspects of a failing marriage is the wondering: Are things going to get better with time? Worse? Are they still going to stay the same? or are going to change? Are you? Dr. Weil also says many couples go right to divorce, simply because they can't stand the uncertainty. 

It is very easier for them to go for break up—and to endure all that pain is comes with—than to stay in the situation without any assurance that things will get better. (This is just like quitting your job because you can't stand worrying about getting sacked anymore.) Yes, deciding to leave will somehow end the worry. And yes, taking that step provides relief.

But it is a distraction-based choice, one that's not about the divorce but about the fear or worry over the divorce. Confronting the possibility that fear is the main factor in your decision can save you from possible unnecessary regret.

6. Can I feel even in the smallest snippet of love?

Whether you opt to leave or stay in the marriage, say Dr. Weil says; you have to be able to love your spouse again. Think about it this way: Leaving when you're still so angry to the extent that you cannot remember the time your husband tickled you silly in order to make you feel relaxed before dinner with his parents, or the way he used to kiss you in the car at every red light, means that all you're taking with you into your new life is exactly that—rage and pain. 

You'll still be yelling at him in your mind for years, long after he is gone. Walking away with some kind affection for him—in addition, all of these, those other additional troubled feelings—can assist to ensure some peace of mind for you—and for the other members of the family or kids involved in the relationship. 

Likewise, if you choose to stay, you have also ought to keep in mind those very same things to make the connection work once again. Is he funny, as well as irresponsible? Kind, still as slightly arrogant? 

hilariously dangerous at cooking? beautifully gifted at comforting? Love for the person—especially at the moment you are least likely to feel love for him—is a symbol that your main decision to stay is one of those wished-for, sought-after, impossible-to-fake times in life when you recognize you are doing the correct thing.